Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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