I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
