so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
