I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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