There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
