Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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