hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
