He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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