dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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