I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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