I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
