i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
