woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
