I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
