When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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