Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
