good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
