There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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