new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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