Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
