I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
