I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
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