I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
