Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
