Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
