i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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