Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
