hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
