Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
