The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
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