I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
