I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
