My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
