if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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