Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
