I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
