the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
