What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
