yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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