This is not my ceiling
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
