shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
