My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
