Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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