I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
