My room smells like vodka and shame
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
