***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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