I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
