Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Randomize
