I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
