and next time when you feel me up, do it right
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
