this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
