Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
