It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
