I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
